Three in a row!

Decided that I wanted to post again... who knew that my once a month posting would turn into a daily thing?  Perhaps I just have a lot to write about?  eh I don't know.  Maybe this is a good way to find myself again, to get an idea of who I really am.  Maybe...

My house is a mess, and I work and I get home and I really don't want to clean it.  My daily schedule makes me a tired person by the time I get home.  I usually wake up sometime between 5 and 5:30.  Then I try to get to work sometime between 7 and 8... usually closer to 7:30 if I can manage.  And then I work.  And if I am lucky I don't fall asleep while I am working.  Just to explain some of what I do... well I am no longer in pricing.  I am in Grocery Merchandising.  And I am a clerk which means I am like at the bottom of the totem pole... literally.  If you were going to ask someone about the department I would be the last person you probably would ask.  1. I've been there the least amount of time and 2. I really am at the bottom.  Which is fine for now.  Part of the reason I am going back to school is so that I can have opportunity to rise and not be at the bottom of the pole.  I also have enjoyed most of the things I have learned about and look forward to learning even more.

Most of the time I enter scans... what are scans you wonder?  Well this is something we work out with the vendors, we advertise their product in our ad and they pay us some kind of ad fee to do that as well as a scandown amount.  This means that they agree to pay us for instance... $0.50 for every contracted item that's on the list.  One of the many ways money is exchanged within a grocery store business.  I get to enter the scans into our billing system.  So that once an ad is done we process the movement of the items, multiply everything out and bill the vendors.  We have a grossing model that figures out how much money we can make from the vendors for that ad.  Unfortunately this money doesn't just go into the pockets of the business, there's all the expenses and what nots to pay for.  It really is a crazy juggle of money from one hand to the other.  For every item that's in the store there's a cost that we pay the vendors to have it in the store, and then of course they are paying us to sell their items and to advertise their items.  It's just crazy how much that goes into one item being in a store or not.  I plan on learning all of the in's and out's if I can.  Anyways, entering scans can be quite boring.  I also get to run a lot of reports throughout the week, these I usually enjoy, although they could be a little more complicated... that would be fun.  Another one of the reasons I want to move up.  I want a challenge something interesting, projects that actually require me to think.  That would be nice.  Once again though... we'll see how things work out.

All that mindnumbing work leaves me quite exhausted by the end of the day.  I usually get home at 5 or 5:30 and of course i've been up now 12 hours and really just want to veg out, do something fun and interesting.  I've been having a hard time just focusing on one thing... I want to watch movies, read books, play games, listen to music, play on the internet, read emails, write emails, blog, read forums, do some cooking, quilting, and some chores if I can manage.  I just can't do everything, one my head would explode and two there's just not enough time in the day.

So I pick one thing or two things and do them.  Tonight I made dinner, read some internet things, played minecraft and watched a Game of Thrones episode.  And now I just want to go to bed.  I think I will soon here.  Goodnight world.  :)

Hrm...

Sometimes I run across videos or posts on blogs about people having babies in January, when we were due with Nicholas and my first reaction is jealousy and upsetness that they get to be happy with their babies.  But most of the time I end up reading further and finding out that they have had their own ups and downs, either with their own losses or with infertility or other issues and I feel that jealousy just melt off of me and it turns into empathy and joy for their final joy in having a baby after such a long journey.

The jealousy that happens when I see pregnant women or women with children is something that I hate and wish wouldn't happen.  Usually when I notice this happening I curve it with other thoughts or try to straighten out my own craziness.  Perhaps this is natural, it seems like most people who have lost babies have a hard time seeing babies or pregnant women.  It is such a mixed bag of emotions.  It is usually easier to deal with when it's strangers cause you don't usually feel as bad about having such negative emotions about strangers.  But sometimes it's with friends and family and then you feel guilty and bad about having those negative thoughts in the first place.

Just was watching a video of this lady telling her husband that they were pregnant and due in January 2012... "Oh right when I was due with Nicholas" and then I went to her youtube channel and eventually noticed that they have gone through 5 years of infertility, 11 IUI's and one successful IVF and then that jealousy and other bad feeling just kinds of washes off.

I am anxious about seeing family members who we haven't seen since our losses, who have had children since then.  I'm pretty sure it will be a hard emotional road for me, one that I will have to go down eventually but I just don't want to.  The end of April we have a trip planned out to WA, we will see our niece that was born in January and our Nephew that was born a year ago in February.  Both of my sister-in-laws were pregnant when we had been.  It's a mix of emotions, a melting pot of sorts.  I am happy for them of course, but just know that there will be some bitterness and resentment and jealousy and sadness... I just hope those feelings can be pushed aside for the majority of our trip.  Then in June I will be seeing my family in VA and there's a big family reunion, will see cousins and their kids as well as my own nephews and niece.  Ugh I don't know how to deal with it.  I just keep praying for something, anything, it's just so hard.

There's one particular family at church with two little boys and it is very hard sometimes to see them.  They are the cutest little boys, but just very hard.  The youngest was born 2 weeks after Christopher was due, so often I imagine what it would be like to have a little boy that age with us at church.  Obviously there's no real way to know what our children will be like or would have been like.  All I know is that in a month we will hit the one year mark for Christopher's due date (May 2nd), and then not too long after that the one year mark for when we found out we were pregnant with Nicholas (May 16th).  Ugh.

I just feel like a completely different person than I was in August of 2010 before all of this happened, before we got pregnant then lost a baby got pregnant again and lost another baby.  Sometimes I feel lost, like "Who am I?" and often I can't answer that question.  I'll just continue going from day to day and hope that one day I figure out that answer.  At least most weeks go by uneventful these days, that makes it easier.  And hopefully this blog entry will help with things cause it's always a lot easier when things are said rather than left unsaid, at least for me that is.

EDIT: If you are one of the people mentioned here... well I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me with your children, that's not the intent of this post.  Mostly it's just that saying things out loud usually helps me to not think about them, and therefore hopefully lead a more normal life that's not filled with surprising moments of sadness.  Nothing worse than being somewhere like church and having a moment where every hymn makes you cry, and you can't even stand the thought of talking with people afterwards, you don't want to deal with the "What's wrong?" questions that would surely happen if they saw your tear stained cheeks after church.  What's wrong is usually me being upset about the boys.  A standard question around here when Paul sees me crying is "Why are you upset?" and my usual answer is "The boys" and thankfully nothing else needs to be said.  Anyways, with the people mentioned here, well I just need to learn how to be around you and your children and eventually I will be fine with it, at least I hope.  I'm sure once we have our own child I'll be too busy to think about how other people's children remind me of my lost boys.  Anyways, that's all for now.  Time for bed for me.  5 am comes early.

The end of another month

I was just thinking... "I wish I had one of those blogs that had a theme, like cooking or reading or crafting or something...." But perhaps I could be the "End of the month updating girl!" haha. I at least should be able to post once a month, so that's 12 posts in a year... I can do it!!!

I met with the UWM adult education people, they helped a lot. I applied to the University and had my transcripts sent to them. I don't know though if I am in or not... hard to say. We'll see. I should login to their special UWM site and see where they are with my transcripts and stuff. I hope I didn't have to do anything in addition to what I already did... I will check that too. Depending on how many credits will transfer will depend on how long I will end up going back for and whether it's full time or part time.

On that same note I had my review yesterday at work. Since I am so new they don't need to do an assessment formally of my performance, so I get to wait it out another year before that happens. I did get to fill out my goals for 2012 and discuss anything that I had been wanting to discuss. I let my boss know that I was going back to school and that I was seriously considering a career path in business... hmm I should have asked him about what type of degree would be best for that... but eh I will ask him later if I feel the need to, I would imagine most any type of business would be fine. I also got to talk about how sometimes I feel like I am spending a LOT of time waiting for others to give me work... which seems insane since the work I am waiting for is also the work that people are complaining about us being behind on... so something isn't jiving and someone isn't being completely honest about things. I'll just have to wait and see where things lead. Then there was a brief conversation about how I also feel like there's some personality differences going on... but whatever, he didn't seem too concerned just said to come talk to him if things got worse or where I couldn't handle it. I think my biggest gripe about the personality thing is that the two people I have problems with often talk down to me, they don't treat me as an equal and I don't know if that's an age thing or what... but it is seriously frustrating. For any of the people who read my blog who are by chance older and working with younger people... please try to not look down at them or talk down to them, nothing is worse than that. We like to be treated as equals just as much as everyone else does.

Diet changes have occurred, some of you may already know. I've stopped eating gluten. I did some reading and found others with psoriasis who had seen improvements and thought that it really couldn't hurt anything if I went without for a few weeks to see what happened and how my skin might react to the lack of gluten. Well I was really surprised to see any kind of improvement at all. And boy did it improve. I did have some small spots happen but they were more due to irritated skin because of clothing and stuff. The other night I ate some gluten to see what may happen and I had a larger than just spots flare up, the itching reminded me again of why I was doing this. I also hadn't realized how much itching I really was living with until it was nearly all gone. Before I was itching all day every day and probably because I was eating gluten filled foods all day everyday. I've also been able to now say no to a lot of food that I otherwise before wouldn't have said no to. Now I have a reason a motivation behind saying no. It feels good to not itch, it feels good to be able to know that there's hope for my skin to be completely healed. So we'll see, only time will tell. I am always looking for good gluten free recipes so if you want to share then please do! :)

This month we've kind of slowed down on our working out since for the last month we've been on and off sick (either us or our friends) so took a break... I am thinking we will get back into it on Tuesday. I do need to start doing more here at the house, I want to start doing my running program and really want to one day be able to run a 5k without dying. So yeah... goals and stuff. :) Things to work on.

Hmm so that's about it. Maybe I'll update more than once a month... but at least on the last day of the month. hehe.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with the school to ask questions about their adult education class. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I really don't know what kind of student I will be now that I am 30... hopefully a better one than the 20 year old me. But we'll see.

I also got my hair cut... short and cute. :) I will eventually post pictures for those who are not in the area to view the cut.

And my psoriasis is driving me crazy. It's usually pretty annoying but lately I just feel like there are little bug bites all over me and it's usually one of my bad places. The other places that itch make me nervous, I really do not want to get psoriasis on my arms, head, feet, or lower legs. I already have it on my belly and back some and thighs... no need to have more problems. I am looking into a possible diet change... it will probably end up being pretty drastic. I am thinking I will start with just eating a basic like 5-6 ingredient diet. Foods rich in vitamins and minerals and such so that I don't miss out on anything. My problem is what foods to start out with. The other problem is that stress triggers it as well, so if my new diet causes extra stress then that is defeating the purpose... isn't it? Eh we'll see I guess.

Anyways, definitely time for bed. Been staying up wayyyy too late these days playing Civilization V with Paul. Fun game! Worth it! Currently I am Siam and I am doing really well. :) My empire is awesome. :)

Night everyone!

I've decided to start looking into school again. I have made the first step and have filled out the forms online saying I was interested. I am looking at Cardinal Stritch and University of Wisconsin in Milwaukee. I don't know much about the two schools... except I do know that UWM is definitely cheaper at $96 /credit hour. And we are probably going to just pay the bill straight out, none of this financial aid stuff. We've been in debt before and don't plan on going back anytime soon. Eventually we may end up doing that debt thing again, but if we can help it we won't. So that's one thing, and I'll post again once I know anymore about it.

I've also been working on losing weight. After having Nicholas I weighed 250 lbs... ick... I am now hovering around 235 or so. I would love to get down to 180 or even lower by next February. At which point we'll begin the journey again towards having a child. I have been kind of doing my weight watchers thing... I've been really bad and have allowed myself to stress eat while at work. So I am going to stop that. I've made a list of the foods I want to eat tomorrow and will take most of them to work with me... minus the breakfast and dinner foods. Then I will eat them throughout the day. I need to find a way to make this work for me. I know drinking water will be important as well. I've also been lifting weights with the husband and our friend, and that has been going well. Last time I did the squats it was with 80 lbs, my bench press was 60 lbs, my barbell rows were 60 lbs, my overhead press was 60 lbs and my barbell deadlifts were 80 lbs. I feel so strong! And there are muscles that I didn't realize were there that are showing up, well can't see them yet, but I can FEEL them whereas before I never realized they were there. Eventually I'll figure out what my limit is and then I'll have to start another lifting program... but still some more to go before that. I feel like I might be close with the benchpress, rows and overhead press... but we'll see. I think I am going to start walking everyday too... and eventually running again. The walking will be good, especially since I don't know when the snow will come or even if it will come. This is such a weird winter for us... hardly any snow and it's just strange!

I've been working now for 3.5 months and I love being back. Part of the reason I am looking at school is so that I can have more options within Roundy's. We are looking at me possibly working once we have kids and the hubs staying home with them. We'll see how this all works out, we are flexible and realize life my have something else in store for us. For right now though since we don't know, I will look at continuing my education and getting that degree. This is the first time in almost 10 years that I've even wanted to finish my degree... so yay me! :)

For now I am going to bed and hoping that in the morning I don't feel as sick as I do right now.

Why is it...

that people with kids are more interesting than those of us without?

Perhaps I just have too many people with kids or definitely more people with kids than people without kids. Or maybe I am just in contact with the kids people more... I don't know.

I do feel like once we have a kid around that people will want to talk to us more, be more interested in what's going on in our lives, be more interested in hanging out, want to talk on the phone more, perhaps even skype because there will be this interesting little person on the other end. Gosh I feel boring.

I think the reason I like shows like Friends, Seinfeld, and How I met your Mother is that they are people like me and Paul... Just living their lives, no quirky family moments... doing that single person or married without kids thing. I feel like we are on an island or something... we are married without kids. We have married with kids friends and single friends... where do we fit in all of that? We have some great friends, I don't want any of them to think that we don't love hanging out with them and stuff and boy do they have some cute kids. It's just an odd place to be in life.

Well I guess just in an odd mood. I am going to bed in 7 minutes, need more sleep cause I just haven't gotten enough in the last few days. It's making me grumpy, irritable and sullen. So... enough of that.

Side Note- I need a library card. And I want a lot of board games!

A new niece!

So yesterday my second niece in the last 2 months was born. Both of them are great and wonderful.

I don't even know if I should blog about this right now cause I feel torn. I am happy for my families, happy that there are new babies, more than glad that everything has gone well for them but there's this other side of me, the sad, depressed side that doesn't know what to say or how to deal with this. My due date for Nicholas is fast approaching... thoughts of "I should be crazy big and ready to pop" keep going through my head. I just wish things were different, and I know most people do wish the same for us. I feel like all I can do is just let myself cry, let myself feel crappy for the night if that's what it takes to have a week or two of no crying. January 22nd is coming up fast... bah.

I think I just need to focus on the plan... here's the plan...

1. Lose weight, by February 1, 2013 (or sooner) I plan on being 60 pounds (or more) lighter.
- Step 1 - Follow Weight watcher points to the T
- Step 2 - Wii fit or walk or exercise somehow 3 times or more during the week
- Step 3 - Take pictures. They are the best motivation ever, take a picture of yourself in your undies or swimsuit and all of a sudden you -want/need- to make a change. It is easy to look in the mirror while clothed or completely naked and to like what you see... But yeah to see yourself in swimsuit or undies... well yeah it's a different experience. (Try it... it will motivate you to lose weight or tone some muscles!)

2. Look at going back to school, finishing my degree.
I hadn't thought about it seriously until after this second loss and I started going back to work. I realize that my housewifing isn't the best, and I honestly don't know if I would be any better at it once a baby is introduced. So if I get my degree then I can be the working person and Paul can be the stay at home person. This is still a tentative plan but it's worth going forward with... because I get my degree and Paul gets to practice cleaning and stuff. He would still do some things but it would be mostly contract work and would get paid pretty nicely for that.

3. Get health insurance (will have some by 2/1/12!) and get some health issues looked at.
When I was pregnant we thought perhaps that I might have sleep apnea because of the protein that was in my urine. It was a small amount but still something to look at cause it was more than what should be there. So we are going to get that taken care of.

Above and beyond the things listed above are the general things of hobbies... games, books, friends, quilting, organizing... and so on. I might as well take the time to develop some of my skills and hobbies and interests if I have the time. So this Saturday I will be going to Madison to play board games again with the group of people I had been playing with before. And on Sunday we will be trying to do an online version of DnD with our friends, so some roleplaying will be involved. Hopefully this works out for the best.

Well looky there... now that I am to the end of my blog post I've stopped crying... yay! :) Almost time for dinner, but I am working on cleaning the bedroom... and organizing some papers and stuff. :) Focus time! Thanks for listening/reading.