Thursday, February 17, 2011

Rough days

Today is one of the emotionally bumpy days, and yesterday. Both days I have found myself in tears by 3pm, and just the rest of the night is rough. Well and maybe a few days ago as well... sometimes it starts with reading someone's facebook status, or seeing a picture, or like today I was reading through this book they gave me at the hospital called "When a baby dies". For the most part this book hasn't increased my grieving at all, I mean it has helped me a lot, but today I was reading about the grandparents. How they are not only grieving for the loss of their grandchild but also for the loss that their own child is experiencing, and how they can't just kiss the boo boo and make it better. And actually that wasn't the part that made me upset... it was reading about how this one lady had her father and husband there while she was in labor, and her dad gave her husband a hug, and her husband just started crying. Ok so it's making me want to cry again, so I will leave that thought there and just move on...

After crying and taking a quick shower, and now being dry eyed, I went to Target ... probably shouldn't have done that, for some reason I couldn't help myself I had to go look at the baby stuff. It's all so cute, and adorable... and after about 10 minutes of looking at things I realized I was torturing myself... so I left that section... quickly. Eh I don't know, it just wasn't a happy visit in Target, and that is one of my favorite stores to wander, but I had no fun doing it today, couldn't make myself smile if I wanted to. Still am feeling just kind of down, mooish... sad.

Going to be making Pork cutlets with apples and leeks tonight for dinner... trying a new recipe, don't know if I will like it or not. But Paul thought it sounded good, so I will try it out and see if we really do like it.

I can't wait till tomorrow night, we get to hang out with Nathan and Katie and little cute little Alia, they always tend to distract me and Paul, we can forget about some of our emotional stuff.

We have also been having annoying health insurance things. The bills from the hospital and stuff in VA is just crazy because the hospital there isn't in our network (which makes sense... I mean we were out of state). So I wrote them an appeals letter asking for them to consider the hospital and all those expenses from those two days to be considered in network since it was a medical emergency and we had to go. I just read through the booklet and there is something in there about medical emergencies and non-PPO peoples and how they would cover it as an in-network thing.

We are also considering finding another insurance provider but really aren't sure about it. But I think I could find one that cost less that has a lower deductible... but not sure. Meh so many things.

Also trying to come up with a budget and to eat healthy and to spend more frugally and get housework done... perhaps I am trying to do too much at once. On top of wanting to get pregnant again and worrying about that, it is just all kind of overwhelming. Oh and on top of all that, wanting to actually spend time on hobbies... reading, playing games, and quilting... visiting with friends and family, and actually talking on the phone with folks. How do people keep it all straight? How do they get everything done that they want to do?

So any tips on... any of the above mentioned things are always welcome. I want to get my stuff all worked out, feel kind of organized, feel like things are in control again...


Susan said...

Oh Cassie, I know how you feel about getting some of those things under control. When so much really important stuff is totally NOT under your control, it's compelling to want to get the supper menus and the living room and the budget under control. Isn't there SOMEthing I have control over??? [sigh]

And I can identify with what you said about the grandparents. As much as I am sorry over your loss and the loss of our grandbaby, it hurts me even more to see you and Rachel aching. I guess I hurt for my baby's hurt as I see her hurt over her baby.

In Thine arms I rest me.
Foes who would molest me
cannot reach me here.
Though the earth be shaking,
every heart be quaking,
Jesus calms my fear.
Lightnings flash and thunders crash.
Yet though sin and hell assail me,
Jesus will not fail me.

Laura said...


I am glad that you are blogging about these days...but it is also hard because there is nothing anyone can do to take away your pain. Even another child might, perhaps, lessen the pain...but it still will always be there lingering in the background...the what if's. Only Christ and His Words can heal and provide comfort and so I would encourage you to be where that gift is given...maybe you would like coming out to Bible Class at Peace? I love my morning out there to be in the Word...singing, hearing, meditating...and it is nice to see friends there, as well. You would be welcome! As to is a pain...but I am pretty sure, in the end, it will all work out. Even if they reject it...appeal again and eventually it should go through. As to the other stuff...maybe little daily goals would help. When one goal gets met...then pick another.

In Christ,


Cassie said...

Susan - When I was reading through the grandparent section I was thinking about my parents as well as you and Gary. I know my mom has said similar things about seeing her baby hurting, and how that is hard. She has now had to witness both of her daughters heartache, and I know she just wishes this had never happened for either one of us. And I know me being far away isn't easy for her either.

Laura - I have been thinking about going to the bible study at Peace for some time now (since we moved here in November actually). I may join one of these days, right now I just have a hard time getting things done around the house and getting out of the house in the mornings is tough (the only morning of the week that I am out before noon is on Sundays for church). So hopefully soon I will get things together and can join you guys. And yes a daily check list would be good, I have a mental check list but it just doesn't work so well. The insurance stuff is really quite a pain, but yes if they deny it then I will write to them again. Hopefully they will eventually help with the expenses.

Katsuke said...

As far as looking insurance goes, I have no ideas except lots and lots of patience. When comparing insurance/phone/internet/whatever I write out a list of necessary questions and get a whole piece of paper for each company and plan. That way when all the information is there, it's easy to sort through and compare.

To-do lists... I keep a whiteboard with several sets of lists on it. Each day's to-do, long-term to-dos, grocery list, and short-term/weekly to-do. That way I always have a sense of accomplishment even when all I did was make dinner and pick up the living room.

Dealing with the insurance, it sounds like you're doing everything you can there. I'd also suggest writing to the hospital. Some hospitals have grants or aids in the case that insurance won't help, usually for low-income people or unavoidable out-of-network visits.

But with big things like looking into new insurance and making a budget, just take it slow. They're pretty stressful things that should go on a "long-term" to-do list.

Cassie said...

Katie - Thanks, yeah I have been thinking of getting a whiteboard or something. Although my latest thing that I absolutely love are index cards... so I might make a to do list out of index cards... perhaps one for daily things, and then one for each long term thing. Yeah each thing right now is taking time... but I do think if I can spend a little bit of time getting into some good habits that it will really help. I am thinking my first thing is the eating healthy (which we are working on) and then also the budget, and from there kind of figure things out. The hospital part I have already filled out paperwork for them, but now I just need to wait for both the insurance and the hospital to get back to me on what we will owe them. :(

Susan said...

You might come to Bible class on Thursdays? {Squeeeee!}

Cassie said...

Susan, lol, yes I might come. I have been talking to Katie about it some, just have to be aware of the day and stuff and wake up on time to do it. So hopefully soon.

Roxie said...

I love you, baby. BIG hugs and kisses from both of us to both of you!!