Tidbits of Life as I know it

So I was checking my email and I got this one... that made me laugh and laugh...

"I've wondered alot about this every minute for months now. I have dreamed
of writing this for months however I was scared...I'm in love with you. i
can't make it and not say something. I have to admit everything to you. I
typed everything in a post secretly for you. im extremely terrified but I
know I have to do this or I wont have what i need. If I check my computer
tomorrow and you've answered i will see i didn't imagine it. to find the blog
search securelysocialcom on google and it should be the first page"

Now I know this is just some stupid spam email, but lol. I thought what is the harm in searching on google for securelysocialcom... and unfortunately I got no hits, no secret posts about someones love for me. I am sorry to disappoint whoever this person is, but I will not be answering them, they will have to believe that they imagined it. LOL LOL LOL

The internet makes me laugh sometimes... I am thankful for random spam sometimes.

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So on another note, I've been thinking about having two blogs, one for quilty things and projects and this one for personal life. But eh I don't know. We'll see. I know that some of the people who follow me aren't into crafts and quilting so I just don't want to spam them with that stuff, when they just want to read my ramblings from time to time. But I suppose they can just ... not read the craft posts if they don't want to.

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And today I tried a new recipe... actually this week and next week will be a lot of new recipes. Last night it was Buffalo chicken with a buttermilk blue cheese salad. It was really yummy. The Buffalo chicken was made with hot sauce, barbecue sauce and garlic, and the dressing was made from scratch. Although both Paul and I decided that we really could take it or leave it with the dressing, it could have been ranch dressing and less points and that would have been fine.

Today I made a Corn and Red Pepper soup, it was corny, and cheesy and I made some corn bread to eat along the side. It also had ground red pepper in it which made it spicy hot... I drank at least two glasses of water while eating it. But it was good. Paul liked it but didn't want to have just that for a meal again, he wants something else with it. So we will see.

Along with food comes talk of us doing weight watchers. I used to do the program years ago so I still have the old books and things. So we decided a few weeks or so that we would be doing something about our weights. So to give you an idea... I am taking the heaviest I weighed after our loss (I gained weight after it, like 5 pounds or so) and will subtract my current weight from that... and I have lost a total of 14 pounds so far. Which is awesome! Paul has lost like 15 pounds too!

As part of our staying healthy plans go, we have been trying to get in exercise. Last week we did one day of strength training... and then didn't do anything else because we were sore for a few days after. And with all this snow it is really hard to get out for our walks... it makes it less desirable to go out. But I am hoping we can get into a schedule of two days a week of doing strength training... probably like Tuesday and Saturday (I do realize it's Tuesday today... and that I should probably be getting us into doing some of the exercises that we need to do... but... eh), and then doing cardio on Monday, Wednesday and Friday's. Leaving Thursdays and Sundays for resting days. We will see though. Things like this tend to change when life stuff happens.

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Baby stuff... well to update on that. We aren't sure what exactly we will be doing... if we are going to wait a few months until insurance stuff calms down or if we are going to go into making babies with full gusto. *shrugs* Right now it is all up in the air. So my plan or idea or goal to shoot for would be for us to be pregnant before December of this year. I had wanted to be pregnant before May of this year, but it's hard to say if that will be the case or not. It might be... *shrugs* if insurance and medical bills get worked out and we are all good to go by then, then it might be possible to think about getting pregnant again. I do feel like it would help to mourn with a baby on the way, but I am not going to push things in any direction. I just want to let things happen, let it be some would say.

I will however push and prod at the insurance company, I need to have closure on the medical bills that we are dealing with right now. Thankfully the hospital and other places in VA are very very understanding about us appealing to the insurance, so they have placed holds on our accounts. We will still get bills from them, but we can forgo paying them until we hear back from the insurance company. The insurance company received our appeals letter on February 7th, and said it would take 30-60 days to review and then they would let us know. I am hoping it is closer to 30, cause that would mean we can have things worked out sooner.

The last week or so has been better emotionally for me. Not sure if it's because of hormones or what not... but it probably is. I imagine my hormonal roller coaster will take things from highs to lows throughout the months as they go by. And perhaps it will get easier to deal with the lows as they come, especially the more that I deal with them the easier it will get.

Last night I had a dream that Paul and I had a baby boy, and I kissed and loved on him so much. I was soooo happy. And of course fitting in with dreams and their craziness... well my baby boy was born talking. haha, so of course that won't happen in the future, but maybe the baby boy being born part will.

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I've been enjoying my local library a lot lately... maybe even too much. I seem to come home with wayyyy tooo many books to read. I believe I have 10 checked out right now and like 10 that are on hold that I need to go pick up... I don't know what has gotten into me. Some of them I am probably going to take back without reading. I picked them up cause they looked interesting but when I started reading them I just couldn't get into them.

Three books that I have gotten recently I had no problem getting through... Fire by Kristen Cashore (very very good, I love reading her books), Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson (Also very good, it apparently was a banned book, but I see no reason why it should have been banned. From reading reviews of it, people have said that this book has helped a lot of young girls feel like they can actually talk to adults and seek help after being raped or sexually assaulted. I do think that any resource that we can use that will help people feel safe enough to talk about such damaging situations is a good one.), and then the last one I just finished is Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater (A book that had me 10 pages in, I truly enjoyed this book and I think it was because of the writing and presenting of the characters. The story was interesting, and unique in ways, but it was a classical "Girl sees boy, girl falls for boy, girl meets boy and really falls for him, girl has challenges she must overcome in order to keep boy" kind of book. But in the end it was enjoyed a lot! I even cried at the end of the book.)

This year I have decided to keep a j0urnal of the books I have read. Nothing like my reviews or thoughts on them, just simply, I read this book by this person. I am not even going to do dates, just listing them as I finish them. Not sure why, but it feels like a good way to keep track of books I've read. I have come home from the library before with a book that I had already read... and not even realizing it. Yes I know you can read books more than once, but I really don't enjoy reading books more than once. There are some that I can, like Harry Potter... and I am thinking about reading Lord of the Rings again. Paul and I are reading The Hobbit together, that has been fun. We take turns reading out loud, either while making dinner, showering, driving in the car, dressing or just sitting around enjoying each others company.

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I've been quiet the last week or so, sorry about that. I really do want to keep up with a blog, and write about the things that are important to me. I just haven't really felt like talking much lately. Sometimes it is hard for me to talk to people, it became hard after we lost our baby. I used to talk to people all the time, looked forward to talking and chatting. But lately it is hard, more like a chore sometimes. My mind often feels blank, and I feel like when I am with people that I have to search for things to talk about. People talk about getting back to a "new" normal after you lose a child, and I imagine it would be the same with losing a spouse as well. Or someone you were living with. Things never go back to how they were prior to your loss. Your mind isn't the same, your heart is filled with sorrow, and you are constantly thinking about the baby or the prospect of a new baby.

I'm sure lots of people ask the question, "Why me God?" I know why this happened, it happened because we live in a sinful world. And I was just one of the unlucky ones to have this particular hardship. I don't blame God for the sin of the world, I am thankful for his sending of his son to take care of the sin, and to die for us and protect us from the results of sin, which is death and a darkness and separation from God. I know that we will live in this sinful world for our 100 years or so, and that we have the resurrection to look forward to. Then we will know a new world, a sinless world, a perfect world where we can worship God and walk and talk with him as it was meant to be.

But since we do live in a sinful world right now, sometimes I find myself grieving the loss of my child and feeling hopeless, but eventually I do find my way back to the hope of the resurrection. I know my child heard the word of God preached, and through me received the body and blood of Jesus every Sunday. And that brings me comfort. As well as also my own receiving of the Lord's supper every Sunday, and hearing the words of absolution and forgiveness of my sins.

On that note, I think I will say good night. :) Time to prepare our dinner.