Thursday, January 8, 2009

Well well well....

I don't think I have said "Whatever" and "hate" so much in my life... work lately is driving me nuts. I either don't care at all, or I hate it... weird place to be.

I wonder if Paul's losing of his job has played a role in this. Although my joy for work has slowly been creeping away over the last year or so. When I first started working in my job, I was amazed at how much work went into a grocery store chain. At first I was excited about the challenges and took them all on as quickly as I could. I became an "expert" quick enough, and mostly at the things that others didn't want to take the time to learn. For some reason some things just aren't exciting enough I guess. Well I learned all I could, learned so much that I started offering my opinion about things even when not asked (I know, no one likes that, I just hate to see people waste their time on something if I already know how to do it). Slowly my job changed, others came in and started doing some of what I was doing, and I was left bored and with nothing to do, then all of a sudden I was given the "Crap" jobs... which at first I gave a fair shake, I thought to myself "These aren't too bad and they are important". Right. I got bored with this job, with the crap I was given I was bored. There's only so many times that you can look at the price of Coke 12 packs on a sign and get excited about it (ok only once do you get excited about that example).

Then there was light... there were jobs opening up. I thought, I know I will try to move up in the company! So I applied for the next step up, Pricing Analyst, I will learn how to price the items, that will be fun, something to take away the boredom. Eh, I didn't get hired, for some reason zeal and effort and awesome learning don't count for anything if you don't have a degree in anything. My one time since quitting school that I regretted it... it didn't last for long, I soon started to realize that I didn't want the Analyst job. They were Salary and expected to work somewhere between 45 to 50 hours a week, sure they got paid more, but they also had to work more hours than me. So... not too soon after that job came around and left... a job opened up cause the girl that was there is now an Analyst... this time it was called Marketing Coordinator. Hey that sounds like fun I thought. These were the people who spent all day building the ads, making sure they worked on the front end. So I applied, I had so much experience with this aspect of things, and I knew the system better than most. I got the job! That was in August of 2007. I am still in that job... somehow though... it has lost it's joy.

I had a theory one day about my losing of interest in this job... it's kind of like school... I was really syked about school for the first 2.5 years... then came the rough time, the time I don't even want to think about though. I dreaded going to classes, I hate the thought of writing a paper, I just hated the thought of doing another class with my other classmates. I did it because it was all I knew, I didn't know what else to do. Most people my age were going to school for 4 years to do something, to become something... and I had lost sight of what that something was, I still don't know what it is (5 years later). I even seeked counseling, because I needed guidance, needed someone or something to help me. I have never been good at helping myself. Group counseling was interesting, I was the oldest person in there. Most of the other students were sophomores, I was the only senior. Who gets to their senior year and decides to question everything? I guess I do, perhaps others do too. I decided at some point that it was useless to try anymore with this school thing, I needed to do something else with my time, this was only a waste of it. So I moved back home and went to work in the school systems, that was a lot of fun.

So.. the theory... it's been 4 years that I have been in Wisconsin (like the 4 years one normally takes to get to their senior year in college). I am tired of what I am doing, tired of going to work all day long... I feel like it's a waste of time on my part. I wish that we were having our family now, I wish I was staying at home and taking care of them. Not because being home looks like it will be easy, no, it looks like it will be one of the hardest things ever (I do not clean very well, "pack rat" was created because of people like me). I want to be home and to take care of my husband, to take care of my kids, my family... I have always wanted to be a housewife. I guess I just feel like it's time to move on, and with Paul's job thing, it's so obvious (painfully obvious) that it's time for us to move to the next step. It will all happen, God works with perfect timing. I just need to learn to be patient.

So... I still have this desire to make everything perfect at work, but it's combined with a "I don't care anymore" attitude that I somehow need to change. I guess it's because it's so exhausting to care, and when I do care I end up getting used and taken advantage of because they say "Oh Cassie can do it". It is exhausting. It's 10... and normally I go to bed in two hours, but I think it's time to go to bed. I am tired of being tired...

Apparently we are getting snow tomorrow... (one more thing that I am tired of, it was exciting the first year and slowly started to get old over the last few years).

Bye, and good night, and hope everyone else is having a great New Year.


Jeff said...

I'm praying for you Cassie- give me a call sometime if you want to talk.

Looking forward to when you and Paul can come down and meet Lydia :)

Cassie said...

Thanks Jeff. I appreciate your offer.

I am also looking forward to seeing you guys and Lydia. It looks like it will be February... well that is if this weekend isn't too soon... lol. I hadn't heard back from Nathan... not sure if he got my email about weekends and stuff.

We want to come down soon, but don't want to be in the way or overstay our welcome, or really cause anyone to have to go too far out of their way.

It will work it's self out soon I suppose. :) It's been awhile since we've seen you guys, miss you both! Now three of you will be missed!