It's been awhile...

Well so let's see... where to begin. I'm not even sure if anyone even reads this blog... but whatever.

So we went to my parents house for Thanksgiving and had a good visit with family on the actual day. And the Saturday after Thanksgiving we had a baby shower and that was nice.

Now Sunday after Thanksgiving is the day that my life as I knew it changed... That day I was using the restroom in the morning like I usually did and I was pushing because I really had to go... and after a few moments of pushing I felt a gush of liquid come out. Well being 17 weeks 6 days pregnant I knew that something was wrong with this feeling, this wasn't right. I called to my husband and told him about what had just happened. He went and got our OB/GYN's number so I called the doctor, since we were in VA and he was in WI he told us to go to the nearest ER so we did. My mom drove us, then my husband and I went to check in while mom parked the car. They were able to get us back to a room right away. The ER doctor did a test to see if the fluid was amniotic fluid, that came back negative. They were also able to do an ultrasound which my sister and Paul were able to see. After that the ER doctor decided to send us upstairs to Labor and Delivery, where they did another amniotic fluid test. The on call doctor up there also did a cervix check and said everything felt right, the cervix was closed and elongated which was good. We were released shortly after that and went home to spend the rest of the day with our family.

The rest of that week we spent visiting with family and friends. I had some leakage the rest of the week but for the most part was feeling good. On Friday I was getting us packed up and ready to go. We wanted to get on the road first thing the next morning so I was getting everything ready. I had a funny feeling, something that felt like an air bubble was stuck down there, and I wasn't sure what it was, it didn't go away when I went to the restroom, it didn't go away with laying down or anything so I wasn't sure. I thought maybe I should feel and I could actually feel the umbilical cord or what I thought was that, so I got Paul and he looked and said that yes we definitely needed to go in. I called the doctor just to confirm and he agreed that yes we should go into the nearest ER. So we got in the car and were on our way back to the ER in VA. This time we had a wait, about 15-20 minutes of waiting, which felt like an eternity, I was sooo upset and had a hard time not crying because I was sooo worried about our baby. When we got into the ER the ER doctor came in right away, they weren't having us sit around for very long at all. The doctor said it didn't look good and that we probably would lose the baby. He was going to transfer us up to Labor and Delivery where the on-call doctor would take a look and give her opinion.

We got upstairs to Labor and Delivery where we were given the same bad news, that our baby would not survive. He didn't have any fluid around him, he had a strong heartbeat but there was no way for his lungs to develop and he wasn't going to survive. When the doctor checked, I had already started going into labor, I was already 1 cm dilated. So the doctor decided to induce labor and was hoping that we wouldn't need a D&C, so that's when she gave me cytotec to encourage the contractions and labor to continue. I was offered pain medicine but declined until about 2 hours into everything, and did get some medicine put into my IV which lasted maybe 15 minutes before it seemed to not work for the pain. But at this point I had resolved to just deal with the pain, I felt that there wasn't much time left before we were at the end. And I was right, within an hour or so our baby boy was born. He didn't have a heartbeat at birth, he was no longer alive. I was able to hold him, there are some regrets about that day, I wish I had held him longer... I wish that day had never happened. I will always wonder if there was anything different we could have done, anything that could have kept our baby boy safe from passing away. I don't have any answers, and I wish I did. I wish it was like a choose your own adventure story where I could go back and choose the happy ending, keep choosing until I liked the ending.

But I can't... instead I am here 8 weeks 5 days after we lost our baby. We are looking forward to having a child and will continue to try to make a family for ourselves. Some days are better than others, all have a tint of sadness to them, but at least I don't cry every day, only some days and lately they have been farther apart. So anyways, December 3rd, 2010 will be a day that I will never forget.

And in case I didn't say before, not sure if I did, we have moved back to WI. We are dealing with the snopocalypse like every one else right now... yay. So that's it for now. I'll try to update a little more often if I can. Sometimes I forget about my blog, but I think about writing in here and just don't. That's it... signing off. :)