Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Harder today than yesterday

Today seems to be harder for both Paul and I than yesterday was. Perhaps it's cause we were facing a meeting with the funeral director today, things started feeling all too real. I don't know, it just hasn't been that great of a day for us.

As we headed out of our driveway and down the road... I realized I was having a hard time with the brakes as I approached the stop sign. I was able to stop but only after pushing the pedal down to the ground. So we turned around, went back home and called our mechanic, he said we could bring the car in and he would work on it inbetween other cars. So yay! Then I called the funeral director and canceled our appt today, we will see them tomorrow afternoon. I then called my mother in law to see if she could pick me up from Midas... they let us borrow one of their cars until ours is fixed, didn't want us being stranded in case we needed a car. We found out from the mechanic that it's the brake line that needs to be drained and replaced, it has started rusting out and hydraulic fluid was leaking. :( So there goes a $450 some dollars that we weren't expecting to spend, but whatever.

The night we went to the ER I made a point of wearing one of my dad's shirts that he gave me less than a month ago. It felt comforting to have "my dad and mom" there with me, even though they weren't really there. I am finding the same kind of comfort today as I hear the lawn being mowed outside. It reminds me of my dad... like any moment he will come in smelling of grass and sweat, and mom will make something quick for lunch, I feel like my mom should be sitting here next to me on the couch as we wait for dad to come in. I miss them so much right now. They will be here for the memorial service, so that will be good, but I want them here now. Or better yet if I was at their place, it would feel nice too.

So I've been strong for the last few days, but I feel that wearing off, I don't generally like crying in front of people, I just would prefer to be stoic and calm and to be the one that people depend on or need around. I like to take care of people, not so much to be taken care of. While in the hospital on bed rest I realized this a lot, because I was in such a vulnerable position, I couldn't get up and really struggled to do anything besides maybe eating and drinking, or talking on the phone. Just using the restroom involved a nurse and a bed pan, that was really hard to do, I am thankful that I had such great nurses. I even had a sponge bath at the hospital. After that first day there I wasn't sure how much longer I would be on bedrest, and gosh really needed to feel clean so they took care of that for me, I just had to stay in my horizontal position.

Part of the problem today is I am feeling more achy than I was, my head is hurting, and I have already cried like 5-6 times just in the last 7 hours or so. I think the rest of my afternoon I will try to play WoW and forget things if I can. Eat some food and wait for the phone call from the mechanic. And at some point my mother in law will be coming over with Lasagna for us. Last night we had our good friends Nathan and Katie here with their daughters, and they brought dinner which was really good. I am so glad to have friends like Nathan and Katie, especially through the last year when we have been dealing with the hardest thing ever with losing our first son and now our second, they don't expect anything from us and that is nice, cause I don't think either one of us have a lot to give right now.... it's just too hard. And their kids are such a comfort even if they don't know it, the innocence of children is therapeutic for us. Being able to love our friends children, as well as our nephews and nieces is such a blessing.


Sharon Pernes said...

There's so many things I would like to tell you, but I'm not sure the words will come right now.
My best advise for you is that this is the time for you to be selfish. Let others help you and do whatever you need to do to get thru this heartbreaking time. Don't worry about making others feel better, this is the time for others to help you.

Misty said...

I absolutely agree, be selfish right now, do what you need to do to find comfort, get a pedicure, a massage, go to church, listen to loud music, bawl your eyes out and then make yourself a hot bowl of velveta and macaroni. The emotional component to this is devastating, the other focus, the medical part, makes me so happy for you, that you and paul do not have any fertility issues, that you can be pregnant and that you will get pregnant again, and that now the doctors know how to carry you through your pregnancy. you will succeed and you will be a mom.