Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Kind of bummed

So today was good for the most part... work was good (I got a job at Roundy's again yay! I might mention this every time I blog until I realize I've mentioned it 20 times... whatever), the commute was excellent, I saw my husband before he went to lift weights, I ate dinner, relaxed in the quiet of the apartment, the cat snuggled with me, we watched some episodes of Star Trek voyager and I perused facebook and reddit to entertain me. As I was reading facebook I noticed my husband had posted on facebook... odd, he's supposed to be lifting weights or something... well he posted about the sermon pastor preached tonight on the Holy Innocents... What? Ok so my husband went to church and didn't tell me he was going. I didn't realize there was a service tonight... I would have gone too. Now I'm bummed. I missed the service that maybe would have brought some comfort, something... in regards to our boys. And now I am bummed. I truly feel as if I have missed out on something, my husband now has the comfort of the word but I feel like I was jipped. Nothing I can do about that though... but I can't seem to unbum myself. I guess I'll just have to wait until Paul gets home, eventually Nathan will drop him off and I can talk to Paul.

I'm pretty sure that my emotional stability isn't there today and I probably would have gotten upset. I probably needed the quiet evening at home... maybe. Although seeing others enjoying themselves when you are feeling bummed out is not easy. I am glad my friends and family are having a good time this time of year... and I do have some good moments to enjoy. But eh, I don't know maybe I should just avoid facebook until the holidays are done. Wait until the first blizzard then get online, people will not be happy then... I will be, but that's cause I love snow and I enjoy the quiet and peace it brings.

I feel like a broken record, all the should have's that go through my head... the should have's aren't the is and the are. I can't change the past but I also can't seem to remove the voice that likes to continually go though the would have, should have and could have's. How do you stop that record? How do I just live my life as it is? That's what I do though, I do continue living, breathing, eating, working... all of the things I need to do. But I am also continually grieving. I am pretty sure that doesn't go away, but I do wish it didn't come up so much in my thoughts.

Maybe it's time for bed. I work tomorrow, am off Friday and then work Saturday. And I turn 30 in the next couple of days... yay? I don't know. I might see if Paul wants to go out to eat or something. That might help.


Susan said...

Given the number of tears I shed tonight at church, I'm guessing you would've had a much harder time. However (!) that doesn't mean you shouldn't have been there ... had you known. Sometimes it's the sitting in church and quietly (and hopefully unobtrusively) weeping that let's you grieve WITH the comfort of God's word to be the only true balm for that grief.

Cassie, it takes time. It's been a year. That's not enough time to "be over it." It's true that you'll never forget them, never come to the point where you don't miss them. But there will come a day when the pain is not so consuming. But that day isn't here yet. And I would bet it's going to be hard next Christmas too. Don't scold yourself for grieving. Just go ahead and do what you have to do, keep plugging away at your duties, keep going to work, keep saying your prayers at home, keep going to church, and GO TO PRIVATE CONFESSION for COMFORT (even if you're not confessing a particular sin that you "did," you can still tell the pastor your struggle with the sin that's in the world, the sinfulness that brought death into the world). Eventually, the grief will become less.

Personally, I think that people who try to push themselves into getting Back To Normal, who rush themselves out of grieving, tend to end up grieving longer. The world wants us to Get Over these things, but death is ugly. It's really kind of weird that people don't want to face the grief and the ugliness. Well, I guess if you're facing it on your own, instead of with the comfort of Jesus' blood shed for us, and His promises to hang onto us and bring us to eternity in His lovely presence, then I guess that ugliness IS something to hide from. But for us, the bigness of Jesus' forgiveness totally trumps even the bigness of the death of our loved ones. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It does. But we hang onto the truth that there are eternal realities of love and sacrifice that we believe and do not yet see ... but which we will indeed see someday soon.

Oh, good grief. I'm typing too long!!! I'll hush now.

Sharon Pernes said...

Susan gave you great advise.
Your loss is so recent, I wouldn't expect you to be back to normal. Please dont try to rush yourself. You need to feel the emotions you are feeling.
For me even 25 years has not healed the hole in my heart, but it doesn't feel so empty now.
I think that this is the time that you need to be selfish, do what you need to do to get thru this time in your life. You are not on any time table, everyone deals with this type of grief in their own way, and in their own time.

My Sister Made Me Do It said...

I don't think I could add to the already good advice above but I do think you are fortunate to be yoked to a believer as you are. We never know the reasons that things happen, only that God will make something good come out of even the worst of circumstances. Do remember that He left "the comforter" with us when He went back to heaven and hold on to the Spirit always.....and take care of Cassie.....

Jodi said...

Sending prayers and comforting thoughts your way, Cassie, even tho we don't KNOW each other. Xoxo