Thursday, April 19, 2012


One thing I've noticed and maybe others who are grieving would disagree with me... it's hard to say.

For myself I find that yes there are joyous moments to remember back on, there are times when I cherish the time I was pregnant and I remember the joy and anticipation of bringing a child into this world.  Unfortunately all of that leads to some very painful thoughts and feelings.  There's no joy in bringing my kid home, in nursing and caring for my child, nothing to make the pain of childbirth disappear.  This pain is with me forever, for both boys.  One thought of one of the boys leads to the other boy.  They are connected, they are brothers.  It is very very hard to find anything positive to reflect on when thinking about the boys, and I would say that I should just stop thinking about them but that's near impossible.  I can control that as well as I can control my own breathing.  Sure I can hold my breath for awhile but eventually I need to breath.  Perhaps it's not so life threatening to not think about the boys... so maybe comparing it to holding my breath isn't a good analogy.... eh I don't know.  Just some things I was thinking about, ponderings of a bird mind some might say.

Haven't updated on here yet that I got into school, was officially accepted, now I just need to figure out a few things... but that's ok.  It will all work out.  :) With this leap back into school I have decided that we won't try to get pregnant again or start our family again until after schooling is done.  Trying to go back to school while working and doing kid things would feel like I was trying to drive myself crazy.  So for now that's the plan... but as we all know, plans change, they are move and are not concrete.

We get to see Paul's side of the family soon and then not too long after that my own family.  I am anxious about leaving the cat alone but I suppose he will survive and the trauma of us being gone for 5 days won't be too much.  We may ask some of our friends if they want to come over and say hi to him and just make sure he's not too lonely.  Just to have someone sitting in the apartment with him will help ease some of his crazy.  But we'll see.  Like I said we aren't gone for too long... either way we'll leave a set of keys and hopefully all will be well.  I don't know why I get so anxious over leaving the cat... but I do... ugh.

For now I am going to say goodnight.  I'll try to update in not so long. :)

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