Still standing...

That has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?  I am still standing, still going on, still living, still here.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about life, the past, the now and the future.

When you've lost a child (or two, or more), your whole life changes.  Things that used to be constant are no longer really all that stable.  Death was not so close to you, the people who I've had die in my life usually are older folk, there have been some exceptions where some people I've known who passed away too soon in life, they had more living to do, and lots of life spread out before them.

This last week has been hard.  A week ago was Christopher's due date and the approximate date that we conceived Nicholas.  I miss my boys so much, and really just want them with me.  Perhaps that seems obvious.  I still need to say it, need to think it often.  I miss them, I miss who they would have been and who they were.  I am thankful for my friends and family, lots of comfort and words of love.

I read a blog entry recently that another mommy whose lost he babies posted about Mother's day and how to talk to someone who has had a loss, what to say to them, it was very very well written.  I've found a very helpful forum/website called "Still Standing" and so many people on that have lost their babies and they understand the ache, the emptiness that's inside, that consumes you sometimes.

On a different note - a friend of mine recently posted a great blog entry about running 101.  I have found it very helpful.  I've decided that I am going to be a runner and that I will be in better shape in a year than I currently am.  I am soooo tired of being fat, so very tired of it.

Also I have applied for a promotion within the company.  The last 6 months I've been working and it was interesting for a moment and then it got extremely boring.  We'll just have to wait and see if I get an interview at all.

Well guess it's time for my morning shower, maybe it will wake me up some.  Then off to work I go. :)