Friday, May 11, 2012

Circles

I feel like I am always thinking in circles.

For example, at work I have applied for another job, sometimes I find myself sitting there thinking about the job and wondering if I will get it, thinking I should talk to so and so about it and then wondering again if i will get it, am I qualified for it, will they find me qualified, and once more wondering if I will get it.  It just keeps going like that.  And it's such a stupid thing to wonder about since really it isn't something I can resolve or answer at that time.  I also think "What will I do if I don't get it?"  Again not something I really need to worry about since I don't know yet.  I tend to drive myself crazy worrying over it.

The other day at work I had a lot of these things going around in my head so I decided I should make a list of things I was worrying about and I hoped that my list would then help me not worry as much.  I don't know if it really helped but I like to pretend it did.

One of the biggest circles I go in right now are my goals, the things that I want and desire to work on in the next year.  Figure I will put them here in my blog, I've kind of put them here in different forms I suppose but it helps to write them out every now and again.

Goals
** Exercise and eat healthy, I want to get fit and to be healthy.  So this involves lifting weights, eating right, running, sleeping, and other things... just overall work on healthy living.

** Part of the first one but also in it's own category... I want to be a runner.  I want to run 3 miles a day or something like that.  Or at least 3 miles 5 days out of the week.

** Finish school - I really want to get my degree, open up some job opportunities for me and be proud of myself for that accomplishment.

** Get the job at work, the Category Analyst job.  I get so bored doing what I am doing and I really really want to be an Analyst and work with a Category manager by analyzing and processing data and numbers and stuff.

Now some of you might be confused, there are things missing from my list that used to be on there.  One of those things is the kid thing.  Well I don't plan on making that part of my goals just yet, it was at one point a huge life goal and then we ran into complications and things got hard.  We just need a break from the heart ache.  I know what people are thinking, "Well you guys just need to try, just get back on the horse and give it a go.  They know what's wrong now and you shouldn't have any issues.  It only gets more complicated as you get older and harder to have kids.  It won't be any easier if you wait"  Well perhaps that's all true, but it really doesn't weigh into the decision making here.  Realistically we are looking at a future with no children at all, it's a possibility though not anything we want to claim for ourselves.  Just because they can do a cerclage doesn't mean they can ensure that I will have a baby with no complications.  My future pregnancy will be the hardest thing ever for both Paul and I.  It's something we want so much but we don't want to have another problem, another loss and another baby that we have to say goodbye to.  It's scary, really heart wrenching scary the idea of getting pregnant right now.  Neither one of us can deal with another loss so soon so therefore we've decided to wait awhile, finish my degree and hopefully after a few years of waiting we'll be in a better place emotionally and physically.

Honestly I never ever thought we would have problem having children.  It never even crossed my mind.  I knew that both of our families got pregnant pretty easily so I didn't think our issue would be getting pregnant I thought it would be getting pregnant too soon and when we weren't ready yet.  Now to find out that the issue is my cervix... well it's just crazy.  Here's another circle I travel often... the boys circle... thinking about their losses, what we could have or should have done, wishing we had waited and knowing that it wouldn't have made a difference if we had waited, we would have lost the boys either way, wishing and hoping that my boys were still with me, that I could watch them grow up into young men, then talking myself down from this emotionally imbalanced place and trying to comfort myself with thoughts of them being with their heavenly Father and that one day we will be reunited with them and we will no longer have this pain and heartache... the circle of loss and hope for me.

I love circles, their my favorite shape but I really wish I didn't drive myself crazy with my thought circles.  I always make it back to the same points over and over again.

Now it is time for bed and hopefully a restful night's sleep and then a sleeping in morning with exercise/running in the morning. :)  Night.

2 comments:

Kim said...

Where are you Cassie?
Everything going okay?
Doing any sewing?

Thinking of you

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