Friday, July 22, 2011

Haven't posted in awhile... sorry!

Wow this month has flown by... or so it is seeming to, I didn't realize July would go so fast. It's a blessing but still kind of crazy. Part of that I believe is cause I have been working... each week that goes by uneventful is great for me.

I want to write a little about our current pregnancy, so for those who don't want to read about it, well stop here. If you didn't know we were pregnant... well now you do. I think most people who read my blog know now.

So we are at 13.5 weeks now... I think this part of my pregnancy until 24/25 weeks will be the scariest for me. Most people relax when they hit the second trimester, but I have only felt my anxiety grow from week to week sometimes even day to day. My doctor has been great with all of this. She has let me decide how often I want to see her, either 2, 3, or 4 weeks between visits. The last few visits have been every 2 weeks. I saw her yesterday and will be doing an ultrasound in 2 weeks and see her in 3 weeks. Then we will be 16 weeks... and that's when the anxiety will really kick in. My memories of my last pregnancy are clear as day when it comes to week 16 through the end. Week 16 I heard the heartbeat for the first time, Week 17 my amniotic fluid gushed out, Week 18 I lost my baby... only 5 weeks until I am at that same point in this pregnancy. My emotions are mixed with a fear for my baby now and the grief over my loss of my first baby. It is hard to imagine getting past that point, hard to think of what the rest of the pregnancy will be like... Can I really carry a baby to full term? I don't know.

Another reason my doctor is awesome, I told her about this yesterday and she totally understood, she didn't dismiss my fears absently, she listened and is doing everything she can think of to make sure we watch everything. If I ever need to go in she will make room for me in her schedule... I've heard the heartbeat now like 3-4 times, each time she makes sure we find it. One week she was having trouble and said "We'll try this one more time and if I can't find it then we'll get an ultrasound." That made me feel so great.

I pray that this will be an uneventful pregnancy... that all this worry will be for nothing. One of the things I think I hate the most is when people tell me it will be all ok... honestly they don't know and shouldn't say that... how can they guarantee that nothing will happen, that there won't be a repeat of events. I know the chances are small but that doesn't mean there is no chance of repetition. All I want to hear I guess is that people are thinking about us and praying for us. Nothing that anyone says will take away this worry that I deal with daily. The life of my child is at risk here, it's not an easy thought to deal with, not just something I can just toss over my shoulder... it weighs my heart down, it is a heavy burden. I am thankful I have my trust in God, I know that to some degree I can relieve my burden by trusting that he will take care of us no matter what happens. It is just really easy to get discouraged and to dwell on the fears and anxieties.

But anyways... guess I should go get ready for work so that I'm not late.


Susan said...

Cassie, I'm not sure what the motivation is behind "It will be okay." Well, we know that people are wanting you to feel better. But maybe they don't mean "It will be okay" as in having everything turn out the way we want, where the baby is healthy and lives and eventually runs around knocking books off your shelves and spilling milk on the kitchen floor. Maybe "It will be okay" means that God will keep each of you in His most loving hand, and that He will bring you all into His heaven (some sooner and some later), and that He will pour out His forgiveness and strength to you no matter what kind of suffering you've been through, even if you have to go through it again.

It really will be okay. It's just so hard, though, when "okay" comes with loads of tears and sleepless nights and gut-wrenching grief. Then, I want to stomp my feet and scream, "This is not okay." But we hang onto Him even when things appear not to be okay. Faith believes the Word against all evidence to the contrary.

Jesus sustain you in His peace.

Lauranie said...

Sorry for the lack of commenting lately...blogger has been doing some cArazy things everytime I try to comment on blogs...UGH!! Anyway, so happy/excited/scared/excited/EVERYTHING for you!! Congrats. So, let's talk about this thing called "uneventful pregnancy"...girl, NO such thing! :) Since the miracle of birth is THE biggest event EVER, all pregnancies are eventful by default! ;) So I say...embrace the fear because the JOY will totally overwhelm you when it is time. AND the fear will never really go away...even when they are 23, 21, 8, 5, and 3!! (BTW, the oldest ones were not a part of my birth stories...but I still have fear for them none-the-less) Just be happy, minute BY minute!!