Crimson and Clover over and over

That's stuck in my head, just those words... no other part of the song. Hmm. Oh well.

Life updates... well probably the biggest change in the last week is that Paul gave his notice last week so this past Friday was his last day. He is going to be doing some consultant computer programming work, and will hopefully be a lot happier. I hope and pray that this change is a good one for him. I don't like seeing him unhappy so I try to be very supportive, and thank goodness my husband doesn't spend money to be happy, I would probably be too accommodating and then all of our money would be gone! :( but we don't have that issue... instead he can find a new job and be happy. :)

Speaking of jobs... I am hoping to get hired on at Roundy's again. Not sure if they will or won't hire me ... eh I hate the waiting game. Just get me in there for an interview, let me knock your socks off (which apparently can't happen according to my friend Katie) and hire me! We'll see though, things might not go in that direction.

Part of the job thing is the insurance thing... with Paul's job change this means we no longer have health insurance. I have been working with this lady in hopes of getting a health insurance plan that would work for us. She seemed very reasonable and nice. Sent me quotes and now we will apply for one of them. I eventually that will happen... we'll see. By mid October we should have health insurance again, something that will hopefully not be too expensive but will be good.

Mentally and Physically I am doing alright I guess. I don't think about the boys whenever I can help it, but sometimes I can't help it and when that happens I just let myself feel whatever I am feeling. Most of the time it's despair and then after awhile that moves aside and there's hope again, and the world doesn't feel as suffocating. Couple of things happening there... part of it is that I remind myself that if I can't have my babies then they are in the best place for them with the Father of all fathers and mothers. We are made in our Father's image and i can only imagine the amount of love I have for my boys is only a fraction of the love He has for them/us. So that usually helps. Also the hope and positive outlook we have for our next pregnancy. Just knowing what went wrong and how to fix it has made things a lot easier.

With Christopher, our first son, I blamed a lot of people and just the other day I realized that I no longer blame them. It's funny cause I thought I had forgiven them awhile back, but I just realized that I didn't fully forgive until we found out why all of this had happened. I didn't even have anything to forgive really, but I just needed to let go of anger that I had bottled up inside. It's hard not knowing why you have lost a child, and knowing why I have lost both boys has definitely helped.

Oh right that was all just mental/emotional stuff... physically I feel like I am doing good. I go to the doctor on Friday to just make sure everything is behaving as it should and that I really am on my way towards "normal". Not sure I want to go back to normal... but I guess that's better than abnormal or problems. We'll see though.

I've also started playing Minecraft, which is a fun game where you build things and basically redesign a world. Unfortunately there are some bad guys so they get scary every now and then but I can mostly ignore the baddies. :) It's fun to design little houses and places, so I've been having a lot of fun with that. It's in beta right now so it's still being tested and stuff, but that's ok with me.

Haven't done a lot or any quilting... I want to. I was going to do a quilt a long thing with a few other people... this pattern called Key to my Heart, it made me think of my children (past and future) and it fits perfectly. So I will be doing that one soon here, didn't get it done in time for the pattern share, feel bad about that, but I will do it. I will also finish a mug rug or 4 that I have started and wanted to get done. That's it for now.

Will write later.