Hrm...

Sometimes I run across videos or posts on blogs about people having babies in January, when we were due with Nicholas and my first reaction is jealousy and upsetness that they get to be happy with their babies.  But most of the time I end up reading further and finding out that they have had their own ups and downs, either with their own losses or with infertility or other issues and I feel that jealousy just melt off of me and it turns into empathy and joy for their final joy in having a baby after such a long journey.

The jealousy that happens when I see pregnant women or women with children is something that I hate and wish wouldn't happen.  Usually when I notice this happening I curve it with other thoughts or try to straighten out my own craziness.  Perhaps this is natural, it seems like most people who have lost babies have a hard time seeing babies or pregnant women.  It is such a mixed bag of emotions.  It is usually easier to deal with when it's strangers cause you don't usually feel as bad about having such negative emotions about strangers.  But sometimes it's with friends and family and then you feel guilty and bad about having those negative thoughts in the first place.

Just was watching a video of this lady telling her husband that they were pregnant and due in January 2012... "Oh right when I was due with Nicholas" and then I went to her youtube channel and eventually noticed that they have gone through 5 years of infertility, 11 IUI's and one successful IVF and then that jealousy and other bad feeling just kinds of washes off.

I am anxious about seeing family members who we haven't seen since our losses, who have had children since then.  I'm pretty sure it will be a hard emotional road for me, one that I will have to go down eventually but I just don't want to.  The end of April we have a trip planned out to WA, we will see our niece that was born in January and our Nephew that was born a year ago in February.  Both of my sister-in-laws were pregnant when we had been.  It's a mix of emotions, a melting pot of sorts.  I am happy for them of course, but just know that there will be some bitterness and resentment and jealousy and sadness... I just hope those feelings can be pushed aside for the majority of our trip.  Then in June I will be seeing my family in VA and there's a big family reunion, will see cousins and their kids as well as my own nephews and niece.  Ugh I don't know how to deal with it.  I just keep praying for something, anything, it's just so hard.

There's one particular family at church with two little boys and it is very hard sometimes to see them.  They are the cutest little boys, but just very hard.  The youngest was born 2 weeks after Christopher was due, so often I imagine what it would be like to have a little boy that age with us at church.  Obviously there's no real way to know what our children will be like or would have been like.  All I know is that in a month we will hit the one year mark for Christopher's due date (May 2nd), and then not too long after that the one year mark for when we found out we were pregnant with Nicholas (May 16th).  Ugh.

I just feel like a completely different person than I was in August of 2010 before all of this happened, before we got pregnant then lost a baby got pregnant again and lost another baby.  Sometimes I feel lost, like "Who am I?" and often I can't answer that question.  I'll just continue going from day to day and hope that one day I figure out that answer.  At least most weeks go by uneventful these days, that makes it easier.  And hopefully this blog entry will help with things cause it's always a lot easier when things are said rather than left unsaid, at least for me that is.

EDIT: If you are one of the people mentioned here... well I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me with your children, that's not the intent of this post.  Mostly it's just that saying things out loud usually helps me to not think about them, and therefore hopefully lead a more normal life that's not filled with surprising moments of sadness.  Nothing worse than being somewhere like church and having a moment where every hymn makes you cry, and you can't even stand the thought of talking with people afterwards, you don't want to deal with the "What's wrong?" questions that would surely happen if they saw your tear stained cheeks after church.  What's wrong is usually me being upset about the boys.  A standard question around here when Paul sees me crying is "Why are you upset?" and my usual answer is "The boys" and thankfully nothing else needs to be said.  Anyways, with the people mentioned here, well I just need to learn how to be around you and your children and eventually I will be fine with it, at least I hope.  I'm sure once we have our own child I'll be too busy to think about how other people's children remind me of my lost boys.  Anyways, that's all for now.  Time for bed for me.  5 am comes early.