Wednesday, April 4, 2012

So Grumbly...

Not in my tummy or anything.  My mood is like crazy grumbly... grumble grumble grumble.  Don't even really know why... perhaps just tired?

I started my evening out by reading a book and was happy doing that and then I was like, 'I should really do something more than just reading cause if I don't I will be upset with myself for reading my night away".  It appears the opposite has happened.  I've spent the last 1.5 hours looking at stuff on the internet and being mostly disinterested.  I am going to just write this and then grab my book again and read.  I also really want to just snack on foods all night but I don't have anything I want to snack on.  Bah moo bah.

Today I was at work and I was using the restroom and thinking... don't we all do that from time to time?  Eh perhaps more information than people need to know.  But anyways I found myself skipping from thought to thought about the boys.  I was remembering a moment in the hospital from my time there with Nicholas.  It had been almost 48 hours since I had last bathed and I asked about that, they said they could come in and give me a bath in bed.  Never would I have ever felt comfortable with that ever in my previous life, the whole being naked in front of a stranger who wasn't my husband was an extremely uncomfortable thought.  I just think it's interesting how bits and pieces of both of my losses are very vivid to me, almost like they happened yesterday.  As I thought about this one particular thing I just couldn't help but thinking about more of my experiences... taking the time to sort out which hospital was which (cause lately they both kind of blur into one experience).

I find myself thinking about what I would have done differently each time (I know not very productive thinking cause what happened has already been).  Both experiences were so different, even the births were different.  One was medically induced and the other was natural and just happened.  One was with my family around the other was with Paul's.  One there wasn't any hope at all and the other it was all I was clinging to.

I really don't ever want to go through another loss ever, I don't know how I could bear it.  My heart aches every day for my boys.  I am so scared that we will get pregnant again and not lose another baby to my incompetent cervix but to some other cause that is a normal every day thing that women go through all the time.  One in four women have a miscarriage in the first 12 weeks of their pregnancy, that's a lot of women and a lot of babies being lost.  Our two losses were in a very small percentage of people, it isn't common to have an incompetent cervix, per Wikipedia.. "According to statistics provided by the Mayo Clinic, cervical incompetence is relatively rare in the United States, occurring in only 1—2% of all pregnancies, but it is thought to cause as many as 20—25% of miscarriages in the second trimester."  

I don't know why I am dwelling on this so much lately... perhaps my hormones are going crazy?  My OB suggested that maybe calcium supplements might help so I've been taking those and I don't know, I guess they are helping some... I don't feel weepy at work really much... except for on rare occasions when my thoughts betray me and start dwelling on the boys and how much we want them back.

Speaking of birds (you probably are thinking, "she wasn't talking about birds..." well yes I was just not in the blog post, I mentioned birds to Paul and now that I am distracted for a moment I figure I will run with it!).. I am reading a book by James Patterson now called When the Wind Blows and it's interesting, about some people doing genetic engineering with humans (almost typed the whole story, don't want to ruin it for anyone who does read the books).  I started reading about this story with the book "The Lake House" and had to get this book to read.  Which by the way is what I am going to read... and if you don't understand the connection to birds... well embryos have their genes spliced with bird DNA and then you have flying humans.  Definitely an interesting read and one of those books that's hard for me to put down cause it's so interesting.  I actually am finding that with all of the books I am reading by James Patterson... I am looking forward to reading more of his books.

That's all.  Gonna go distract my brain with bird kids. :)

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