I never expected to be spending money on flowers for one of my friends funerals so soon in my life. You always think, "That's what older people do. Not people in their 20's." All I can ask myself today is "Why?" and I don't think I will get an answer anytime soon, or ever.
I keep reminding myself to not think about all the what if's and all the things I should have been doing instead of being so self absorbed. Why didn't I call her more often? Why didn't I invite her to come over for a week? Distance shouldn't matter with friendships. If you think of someone as one of your best friends then you should call them, talk to them, they won't think you are wasting their time. It's too late to change anything with my friend, too late to do anything differently.
Perhaps through this experience and life changing event, I will come to appreciate my other friends more, and will hopefully call them and talk to them more.
I am glad that I go to VA in a week, I get to see my parents and family, along with my friends who are sharing in my mourning, others who also knew my dear friend, who also are as shocked as I am.
At least at work I didn't cry all day, and that helped. Doing stuff that is normal everyday stuff helps.
This is just a place for me to write about the things that go on in my life as well as about the things that I love.
4 comments:
>>all the things I should have been doing instead of being so self absorbed.
I know what you're saying. And I know I'd feel exactly the same way. But I do want you to remember that taking care of Paul and going to work is NOT being "self absorbed." It's doing what you've been given to do, in the place where you live now. That's not going to feel true, but it's true nonetheless. (Now, why can I say those things even when I cannot feel them to be true in my gut?)
I know what you mean. There's a part of me that knows I am doing what I need to do, I am living my life and doing what has been given to me to do. Work, being a wife, a sister, a daughter... somehow I feel that I should have been able to make more time for being a better friend for her.
I guess it's one of those things you go through when you mourn, you think of all the things you could of, should of and would of done. It does seem to bring to light your priorities, and make you realize that some things are higher up on your list of important things to do than they should be. For me it's playing WoW in the last year, it has taken up more time than it should have. Now that I don't play quite as much, hopefully I will be able to focus on some of my friends more. It is too late for one of my friends, but hopefully not too late for others.
Yup, I think you're right. It is part of mourning, and it does cause you to rethink priorities. That's probably good. But it doesn't make the pain and the tears any less. The only thing that "makes it better" is lots of time, and even then, it's never really better. You just get used to the loss, enough that you can function again.
Thanks Susan for your words of comfort. And with time I think it will be a little easier. Each day is a new one.
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